Let me begin with the first attempt at the conception of a child. A little over three months into my pregnancy, I laid in bed with excruciating pain in my lower abdominal area that took me to the emergency room. As I look back, I can see how this devastating loss was a hint to the wild, crazy and detrimental existence that would follow if I chose to create a child with the man I had married. I was a fertile ground for creation but the timing was not for that of a child. God the Great Spirit had other plans for me.
After the painful lose of a miscarriage that kept me in Columbia Hospital for women about 14 years ago, I lay in the hospital with my husband sitting by my bed side, I’ll never forget the look in his eyes. Empty, devoid of spirit while tainted with a hint of relief that our pregnancy did not go through. Yeah, I know…it’s a painful feeling to look into the eyes of a man that you married to see such emotions that only a intuitive woman so filled with feelings and power can see at that very moment. Later on it would all make sense, as I recall an angel reading from my first spiritual teacher who told me that I would get off my spiritual path but would somehow find my way back after a long trek into the dark and dangerous wilderness.
Ever married someone out of pressure and confusion? I can admit today that I did just that. And I know many men and women would be relieved at that very admission of such a big mis-take. Yet, the creative energies between this man and I were so potent. As soon as we were sealed in wedlock I got pregnant. We came together to create all right, but there was so much confusion and irresolution that an unborn spirit could not find a place in my womb at that time.
The months following the miscarriage and hospitalization forced me into a cocoon. I was devastated, depressed and angry with myself. At that time, I didn’t know I was angry with myself. I hid my anger from myself so well. I have this way of tucking the deep dark feeling neatly away from my own self. Mars in the 12th house will do that to you. Down under the depths of the unconscious world I found my way back up to the surface and went on a spiritual journey of reclaiming my soul and healing my body. I headed to a yoga center in the New England area to become a certified yoga teacher.
But what happened before I left still continues to puzzle and plague me with skepticism and questions. After leaving him and attempting to move on with my life somehow he penetrated my boundaries and found his way back to me. Scared shitless that I had left him in the middle of getting his green card, he put on an act of survival that was coated with the scorpion manipulation and charm that I bought, paying a heavy price. I was still emotionally tied to this “bucker”. I blindly gave him the keys to my place so that he would water my plants and feed my fish. Yeah right!! I was secretly and unconsciously inviting him to come let’s finish the business we started. I wanted a child. I needed a child. And somehow it was scheduled to be with him.
When I returned after 9 days of a complete mind, body overhaul, I found that he had moved some of his things into my space and my fish and plants had died. Returning from the fresh crisp clean energies of the Berkshire Mountains, body, mind and heart open. I aligned with a newfound newness that made me pure. I was so upset at the contrast of energies I would find in my space. My room ranked with stagnant, foul and not so pleasant energies. I ordered him to pack his shit and get the fuck out. I was so so upset. I carpooled with another student whose destination was North Carolina; she would spend the night to leave first thing in the morning. It would have been worse if she had not been there. Her presence and guidance helped calm me down. At that moment, I was clear that I had made a mistake and no longer wanted to have anything to do with him. I had left him the first time and it was the right thing. I was so certain of that. Then why did I do otherwise?
A week or so later, he was back. WHY? What happened to me? Why did I let this man beast into my world again? I needed him to mate with me to bring forth a child. And we did. Somehow, I knew what I was doing. Upon returning, I kept on my spiritual path. I received my Reiki level one training and energies, I took on a new form of energy healing called Gregory. It was a modality that was powerful enough to work with HIV/AIDS patients. I was pure and so closely connected to my Godness! I came home and cleared my space, sprinkling it with love and pure divine white light, calling forth the presence of my guides. I bought three new gold fish for the energies of fertility. I placed candles all around the room, smudged it with white sage followed by sweet incense, prayed and called forth the forces of my ancestors, did my yoga keeping the energies flowing so nicely within me. That night we made love and the Angels danced around us making their and my ancestors' presence known. They filled the room with their love. It was a safe haven that contained the portal that would allow the spirit of my son through. It was time. The divine moment had arrived and with it brought the conception of my most valued creative works. Spirit came down to the earthly bed of my womb that night. The seed of my sun was planted in me.
Mama Isis
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