An Angel Has Fallen Asleep!

He laid his little head on my left thigh. His eyes slowly closed as the look of an angel appeared on his face. I gently rubbed his back, his shoulders, his neck, his face, his head. He loves me to massage his thin little body. My hands gently stroking his long legs and slender arms, reaching over his two little buns, seeing how he will grow in to a strong, tall man some day.

Tears flow down my eyes, a drop falls on the soft brown skin of his face. I rub it into his forehead and his cheeks. I love my baby so much. He looks so healthy, so much more than before. I’ve kept him with me now giving him fewer and fewer times with his dad. For so long, proven over and over, I would see the look in my child's eyes every time her came back to me from his father. Is my son dying, I’d wonder? The life force in him was diminishing every time he returned from being around his father. Too much for me to swallow I would always move away from those thoughts, I would even force them out of my way because they were too hard for me to take. I just didn't want to believe it. I was in denial. It was easier for me to be blind.

One day during the summer of this year (09) I received a reading from a lady via telephone. We still have not met in person. In the reading she tells me that my son needs a lot of hugs and touch and that he will do well. Just give them to him she said. Lots of them. Today, I know it is true and I honor those words. His favorite request is “Mommy please massage me.” He asks me this almost everyday before going to bed at night. Now I make sure I give him plenty of touch. We both need it. We both are creatures of comfort, thriving on the magnetic power and healing force of touch. We’re both very affectionate. We’re both huggy, kissy kind of beings that are so perfect for each other. My son chose me well and I him. Oh, how I love him so.

After my son was born, I attended and graduated from massage school. I spent 18 months learning, appreciating and cultivating a growing respect and value for the human body. I am still amazed at the power of the body and what it takes on and is capable of, the depth and magic of our sensuality and our sexual energies. Healing touch is natural for me. I was so adept at it that I was massaging others for money from the first semester of my training. And I worked with and did exchange work with my teachers. But the modest little person in me would blow it off and was not able to see the power in me. I still don't have my license, but I know the power of my healing gifts and no standardized test can measure my worth. I do body work on those who I know and I will never stop doing it. I took the test for my license and failed. But make no mistake, I have not failed in being one of the best massage therapists there is.

When my son was an infant, I took a baby massage course. Thereafter, I’d massage him every single evening after his bath. It was our ritual. I learned how to do an abdominal massage that would carve out the words “I love you” on his tummy. The flow moved in harmony with the ascending and descending colon. Every now and then I still do the “I love you” massage technique on his tummy while saying the words out loud...III LOOOVE YOUUUU!



Why didn’t I teach other mamas to massage their babies? Perhaps it is to come in my future. Today, I have two girlfriends that have just had babies. I want to, I would love to teach them how to massage their babies. In fact, I’ve offered to them and to others on numerous occasions, but what I find is that they don’t’ take it seriously. And I know better than to force the idea on them. I know better than to force them see how important, how powerful, how necessary it is for them to learn how to give healing loving touch to their baby and how it will strengthen their bond forever and how beautifully and mutually beneficial it is. They are not taught that in their pregnancy months and moments. And a woman will listen to and believe everything their doctor or health care provider tells them, even when most of it is not true. I am not raising my child that way. I am his doctor. I am the one who knows and understands his body. And he knows it too. On the forms at his school, I am declared his doctor. I am his first physician.


When a mother follows her intuition, when she follows her heart, her children have a chance to really live, to thrive and to be who they genuinely are, they are able to share the gifts they came to share with the world. That’s our role. To bring those qualities out, to support and nurture and listen to our children not just with our ears but also with our hearts and with our whole body. To hear their cry in moments of confusion, to listen even when even mama doesn’t want to be bothered or when mama is too tired. To deeply listen when they are not with them, especially when we are apart. For I can still hear my child; his vibrations, his heart resonates and beats through my body, my energy field, and my heart. That’s why when something is wrong with him, I feel it, I know it, and I hear it from within me.




Love,
Mama Isis

The Journey After Conception

My journey to motherhood was filled with moments of joy as well as strange happenings that left my heart seized and under the gun. A lot of things took place that I had not dreamed of or planned for. Ever look at your life and wonder how you got into the spot you found yourself in? What ever happened to what I hoped for and imagine. Well, this is a perfect case of a force being in the pilot seat other than self. I made the decision to marry a man that I would not otherwise have married at all. I always say, had I looked down at his feet, I would have gracefully backed down. Yes, a man's feet or the shoes he wears tells the story of his life. Oh, he was a charmer, sexy and good and even nice in many ways. It all happened so fast. I met him out that night in a bar like setting and took him home with me. We had great sex and it never ended there. He would come see me day after day, night after night. He bought me furniture to support my efforts to build my home business. He would come by and cook frequently. He would check out my car and fix the little things around that were broken. But not without a price that would be revealed down the line.

The relationship stripped part of my soul and left my heart shattered and confused. I slowly lost contact with my friends both male and female. The last was a co-worker who was appalled by the telephone treatment he'd give her. And it is almost 13 years later and I am still dealing with the karmic dust that has not yet settled but continues to stir up in my eyes leaving me in a daze that has me extending my hands out to find my way through the dark. I am not the same today. Many wonderful changes have happened in my life. I've had a few successes and milestones of achievement. Yet, I still haven't met or found another man to have a long term relationship with. I still continue to deal with him and make attempts to relate to and with him as my son’s father. But the wall keeps tumbling down right after I see the writing on it. I feel like a basket case, like I keep going down this dead end road over and over. It is so difficult when two people who share a child differ in values and principles, it’s like the clash of the titans. Yet he continues to be a part of my son's life but void of quality and consciousness.


We need to move on with our lives. Those words I've sung and chanted for over a decade. My son is now 11 years old. So why do I still find myself in bondage by the chains of the past as Africans living in America still are totally unfree from their past? There was almost an entire year when he was out of touch, no where to be found because I chose it that way and he gladly complied. It was the most peaceful year for my son and I. There were no drama, no clashes, no nasty hissing or refusals and resistances. We were at peace. I pray for those moments again. But he is like a shadow that keeps following me, following us. Why can’t I get over the fact that I walked down a path that was dirty, muddy and not as beautiful as I would have liked it to be? Why don’t I have the strength as many other mothers do to say fuck it, I can make it on my own. I admire Mothers who have that ability to move on and settle down with a more desirable and capable partner! I am not for a mother raising a child without a father and perhaps that has been one of the underlying causes why I've not pushed and implemented that idea of vanishing. So what are these shackles that keeps putting weight on my legs and heart making it a constant struggle to move on? Will someone please tell me. Help me understand.

My role as a mother has been the most challenging and yet the most healing and rewarding experience in this lifetime. It has taken me up the river and down the creek and I still am happy to be a mother. It is the relationship that shows me divine, unconditional love and to that I am grateful. It brings out my best and sometimes, sadly my worst. But the light always outweighs the darkness. Sometimes I wonder is it the relationship with my biological mother – void of the nurturance and support that my inner child needed but did not get - that keeps me yearning for such through the reversal roles? Could it be that my heart still has a hole in it from the original mother child relationship in which I was in the role as child and not mother? Could it be that the abuse I constantly received from my mother has become second nature through my patterns of self-abuse? She would point her fingers at me and swear wishing me a not so happy life when I become a mother; and my mother dearest never spoke a kind word of my biological father. Words are so powerful. They can make you or break you.

I have taken other roads, written about so many other subjects and ideas yet it took me this long to write about my own journey and experience as a mother. I have gotten many signs and messages that points in the direction of children – working with them as a part of my career. Yet I saw and moved on engaging myself in other things.

Today, I am an unsettled mother of a now middle school child and I carry that shame, that guilt that makes me feel that I should have been someplace else today, happily married and settled down with a new family; I still struggle with the guilt that says I’ve been so trapped in the past that I forgot to live in the moment. I used to be a bubbly bright and happy person. Stubbornness has prevailed leaving me out in the cold on many occasions and feeling brittle, helpless and homeless. My child deserves better! But that’s my personal, heart felt story.

On the outside, many say I am a great mother, that the relationship between my son and I are unique and beautiful, that they see so much love between us. They say you are doing such a wonderful job raising your son. Well, then why is it that I can’t get paid for this job? Is raising a child or family truly a job? Or is it a choice and a creative field in which one has the power to carve, create and manifest? Then I am stepping on a higher ground – facing the truth that is so deeply rooted in me, opening and finding my heart once again so that I can go on being the mother that I am proud of. If I've begun this blog then it means there is hope for a brand new day and a sparkling new way of living. I need to wake up to look in the eyes of a son that is still a happy child. I need my child to look back with good memories and not the trauma that he has absorbed from the dramatic moments between this mother and dad.

I choose to remain anonymous because names do not matter here. What matters here is my heart and it needs to be re-opened, to live and love again. I think I forgot how to love. I hope that through this blog I can understand and master the lessons that I seem to have not quite learned completely so that I can rise up and truly live.
You are welcome to take this journey with me. If you are a mother, perhaps you share my world, if you are a father perhaps you understand and feel me. It is always nice to have others along the way. For I have never felt so lonely in my life until I became a mother. The only best company I've had has been my son, but it is healthy that I cultivate other relationships.

Love,
Mama Isis

The First Conception

 
Let me begin with the first attempt at the conception of a child. A little over three months into my pregnancy, I laid in bed with excruciating pain in my lower abdominal area that took me to the emergency room. As I look back, I can see how this devastating loss was a hint to the wild, crazy and detrimental existence that would follow if I chose to create a child with the man I had married. I was a fertile ground for creation but the timing was not for that of a child. God the Great Spirit had other plans for me. 

After the painful lose of a miscarriage that kept me in Columbia Hospital for women about 14 years ago, I lay in the hospital with my husband sitting by my bed side, I’ll never forget the look in his eyes. Empty, devoid of spirit while tainted with a hint of relief that our pregnancy did not go through. Yeah, I know…it’s a painful feeling to look into the eyes of a man that you married to see such emotions that only a intuitive woman so filled with feelings and power can see at that very moment. Later on it would all make sense, as I recall an angel reading from my first spiritual teacher who told me that I would get off my spiritual path but would somehow find my way back after a long trek into the dark and dangerous wilderness.

Ever married someone out of pressure and confusion? I can admit today that I did just that. And I know many men and women would be relieved at that very admission of such a big mis-take.  Yet, the creative energies between this man and I were so potent. As soon as we were sealed in wedlock I got pregnant. We came together to create all right, but there was so much confusion and irresolution that an unborn spirit could not find a place in my womb at that time.

The months following the miscarriage and hospitalization forced me into a cocoon. I was devastated, depressed and angry with myself. At that time, I didn’t know I was angry with myself. I hid my anger from myself so well.  I have this way of tucking the deep dark feeling neatly away from my own self. Mars in the 12^th house will do that to you. Down under the depths of the unconscious world I found my way back up to the surface and went on a spiritual journey of reclaiming my soul and healing my body. I headed to a yoga center in the New England area to become a certified yoga teacher.

But what happened before I left still continues to puzzle and plague me with skepticism and questions. After leaving him and attempting to move on with my life somehow he penetrated my boundaries and found his way back to me. Scared shitless that I had left him in the middle of getting his green card, he put on an act of survival that was coated with the scorpion manipulation and charm that I bought, paying a heavy price. I was still emotionally tied to this “bucker”.  I blindly gave him the keys to my place so that he would water my plants and feed my fish. Yeah right!! I was secretly and unconsciously inviting him to come let’s finish the business we started.  I wanted a child. I needed a child. And somehow it was scheduled to be with him.

When I returned after 9 days of a complete mind, body overhaul, I found that he had moved some of his things into my space and my fish and plants had died. Returning from the fresh crisp clean energies of the Berkshire Mountains, body, mind and heart open. I aligned with a newfound newness that made me pure. I was so upset at the contrast of energies I would find in my space. My room ranked with stagnant, foul and not so pleasant energies. I ordered him to pack his shit and get the fuck out. I was so so upset. I carpooled with another student whose destination was North Carolina; she would spend the night to leave first thing in the morning. It would have been worse if she had not been there. Her presence and guidance helped calm me down. At that moment, I was clear that I had made a mistake and no longer wanted to have anything to do with him. I had left him the first time and it was the right thing. I was so certain of that. Then why did I do otherwise?

A week or so later, he was back. WHY? What happened to me? Why did I let this man beast into my world again? I needed him to mate with me to bring forth a child. And we did. Somehow, I knew what I was doing. Upon returning, I kept on my spiritual path. I received my Reiki level one training and energies, I took on a new form of energy healing called Gregory. It was a modality that was powerful enough to work with HIV/AIDS patients. I was pure and so closely connected to my Godness! I came home and cleared my space, sprinkling it with love and pure divine white light, calling forth the presence of my guides. I bought three new gold fish for the energies of fertility. I placed candles all around the room, smudged it with white sage followed by sweet incense, prayed and called forth the forces of my ancestors, did my yoga keeping the energies flowing so nicely within me. That night we made love and the Angels danced around us making their and   my ancestors' presence known. They filled the room with their love. It was a safe haven that contained the portal that would allow the spirit of my son through. It was time. The divine moment had arrived and with it brought the conception of my most valued creative works. Spirit came down to the earthly bed of my womb that night. The seed of my sun was planted in me.

Love,
Mama Isis