Allow Me To Introduce Myself!

I should have left him on the street! On the street I tell Ya! You wouldn't believe how many times I said that to myself. But, every single time I would look at her my heart would say, "but if you did leave him on the street she wouldn't be here".

My sweet and precious baby girl came in to this world when I was only 19 years old. 19! I was ready, well at least that's what I thought. I was ready to have a baby. Finally someone to hold me and love me for who I am; no more feeling like I was all alone. Ha! I got a lot of holding alright, so much to where I wanted her to let...go. I wanted my freedom back and it had only been a few weeks since her birth. Oh, the many tears that I cried, the many "mother fuckers" that I said, the many lonely nights I laid in bed with her crying beside me because the "so called joys" of breastfeeding eluded us both, I wanted to give her back. I found out the hard way that I really wasn't ready!

The truth was that I was a scared, hot-headed, fiesty, little girl who wanted and needed her own Mommy but played a major role in helping to destroy that relationship. Now was the time I needed her the most and she was no where to be found even though we were living in the same house. Many nights I laid there wondering if she even heard our cries, if she even cared. How was I going to be "Mother" of a new baby if I didn't have a "Mother" myself? How was I going to show my baby girl love if I didn't know how to love myself? How was I going to raise my baby girl (in my parents house) when I was a baby girl myself? Back then I didn't have the answers to those questions at all, in fact, I don't even remember thinking about those questions prior to her birth, at all. The questions that rolled around in my head were, "Who was she gonna look like?"; "What was I going to dress her in each day of the week?"; "Does this mean that I'm grown now and no body can tell me what to do with myself and her?" As I write this a little giggle just came from my womb. I'm smiling because I can see me back then and writing this makes me want to wrap my arms so tightly around her and love on her til she says stop. If only I can turn back time.

I was 17 when I met him. I met him literally on the street hurled over, throwing up all over the place because he had a hangover from partying the night before. I couldn't see his face really good but from what I could see, he was a little cute. Truth is, I felt sorry for him and the nurturer that I am wanted to help. I wanted to lift him up from the curb and nurse him back to health. Even at 17, I was aware of my nurturing ability and what that meant to those who knew me. I jumped on opportunities to save people from their destruction, but wasn't strong enough to not let their destruction become my own.

In more ways than one, that became the catalyst to many a'hard times for me; and this was one. That day I was hanging out with my "so called friend", who took me to meet him at his Mother's house where he'd been living his entire life. He was an only child and she was single for most of her life. They were inseparable and dependent on each other in many ways, some of those ways effected our relationship deeply. (Now looking back, I can see that there was always going to be me, him and her in every decision we made. My dream of starting a little family slowly dwindled away in every way possible but I didn't want to accept it. I was given insight but acted like I didn't see it.) I'm sure that first day on the curb he didn't want to meet me like that but then again he might have thought there was something Manly attractive about it. Having a hang over meant that you were drinking, and drinking is what the big boys did...I guess?

We talked for a while, about pretty much nothing. This was his "trying to impress me moment" which he wasn't doing a very good job at it. But I let him talk and think he was impressing me all the while saying "I can't wait to get the fuck out of here and away from this mess. I was not even trying to hear it. He was not gonna get in my pants, shit.... in his last right mind!! I was too cute for this joker!" LOL! So why is it that this would be the very joker that got in my pants and planted his seed so well that I ended up pregnant? Whatever game he was talking that I thought was going in one ear and out the next, stayed right in the middle of my head and heart and all I can say is, "He got me!"


"Push, Push, Push"! That's all everyone in the room was yelling at me. PUSH! I wanted to yell back at them so bad and say, "You PUSH Damnit!!" I was sweating, panting, crying, I wanted to go home and forget that this was really happening, that I was really there. That day in January, 1995 (Yes, 14 years ago) was my introduction to the not so pretty side of having a baby. I wanted my money back! This shit was for the birds and I ain't tweety! I was so mad! It hurt like hell and I was, in no way prepared for THAT! All the breathing techniques I learned in Lamas class went out the window. I was blowing alright, you could see it from the steam that was coming out my eyes, ears and head. At one point (me being the stubborn, strong headed girl that I was) I said, "NO, I ain't pushing no more" and I just laid there and blocked everyone out. Now it was their turn to get mad at me but that was the last thing on my mind. I laid there and said, "I'm never doing this again. I'm not having no more babies!!" I even wondered to myself if my Yoni was ever going to look and feel the same. That's when I felt a burning sensation so bad I couldn't even formulate the tears. This was the hardest thing I ever had to do and as I looked up my Mother was staring back at me. All I could think was, "Why didn't you save me from this?" "Why didn't you talk to me more, hold me more, love me more?" I wanted to disappear.

The Doctor said "PUSH"!! And, that brought me back to reality. I wanted it to be over and the only way that could happen was if I pushed and got this baby out of me. This baby, that I'd been carrying for almost 10 months, was (according to everyone of my Mother's Sister's and her) supposed to be a boy! I was all ready for a baby boy, I didn't want no girl. I loved all things boy. I had mainly all boy friends, didn't ever get along well with girls so you now I was thrilled when they used old wives tales (like the fact that I was carrying so low) and predicted I was going to have a boy. Well, that day there was no turning back, we were full speed ahead and all I had with me was that voice in my heart that kept always reminding me, in subtle ways, "I'm here and I will never let you go."So, I pushed all the way through and out came a precious, little, pale, BABY GIRL, weighing 8 lbs 3 oz, she was a big little thing! Can you imagine how pissed I was? I was devasted and closed my eyes and went to sleep.

That night she laid in her crib, sound asleep, next to my bed. I didn't know what had happened. How did we get in the room together? How did she get all wrapped up and snuggly, looking like a little teddy bear? Things just didn't happen the way I had thought. I was in pain and all alone. My Mother never came back to the hospital after that first day of pushing. The next day went by, and then the next and no Mother to come visit me and help me with caring for my new baby. No Mother to help me with the first latching on during breastfeeding, no Mother to help me go to the bathroom and hold my baby when she was crying. I knew she was disappointed but I didn't think she hated me.

There were a lot of things I would learn about my Mother after that day that helped me to understand why we were in the kind of relationship we were in but I've never and will never make excuses for her, just complete and utter allowance of Divine flow. This is what holds back the tears when I think back on times like these. I remember that voice that gave me strength when I didn't even recognize it was strength, that gave me courage when I didn't realize it was courage, that gave me confidence in my sexy when I didn't even know it was paying attention ;-) That voice has taken the place of the Mother I wish I had had and helped me to be the Mother that I am to my baby girl. When I left the hospital I was determined to do better by my baby girl, to be the Mother to her that I never had. I just didn't know how many times after that those words would bite me in the butt and hurt life like hell! It took me many, many, many years to break patterns of behavior that helped to destroy a Mother, Daughter relationship but I did it!! Thank God!!!

My life was instantly changed that day and the whole world as I knew it. It stretched me, diced me, chewed me up and spit me out in more ways than one. Had I not gone through that I wouldn't be who I am today. Had I not gone through that I wouldn't know how to Love me like I do today. I would have never learned that it takes loving me to love my baby girl, it takes loving me to love my entire family, it takes loving me to love my community and nation. I am grateful for the Love that I have for myself that I would create an experience like that, that would help me to become the woman that I am. Through the years I've learned to Love me, cherish me and appreciate what I have to offer to myself and others.

I am a creator of life! I am a joyous Being who sings praises for all experiences that I conjure up. I know my power, it runs deep. I have the courage to walk boldly in my skin and dare myself to love me. This is what I was creating 14 years ago and didn't even know it, that's how bad this chick is. I'm always setting myself up for the flow of abundance in whatever way it will come!

I'm looking forward to our journey together here on Mamasita!!

It's nice to meet you.
Love Mama SensuaLi!!

Love's Fate!

We come more into our sexual power and wisdom as we age, and I'm truly enjoying this new stage in my life.

I actually am with a partner now and I love his energy. We are very much alike; he is an Aquarius. I actually met him (Ivan) about a year ago in DC. He was visiting from Ohio for the Inauguration. We have kept in touch since and have formed a pretty close relationship. He came to visit me here in Florida last month and we had a great time together.

While I was living in Maryland, from 07 to 09 I became involved with a brother named Steve. He had a sweet spirit, was funny and really caring. But what I would come to find out was that he also had a lot of baggage from past relationships and pain that he kept buried in his heart. So, as a result something what started out sweet became difficult. When I moved to DC I had just ended a 7 year relationship with the father of my children. I had told myself that I would take my time and not get involved with anyone for a while, but that didn't last! Anyway, after about a year into my relationship with Steve, I began to feel like he and I were not compatible. He was very insecure with the fact that my ex was very involved in the lives of our girls (and still is), he wanted to rush into meeting my girls (which he didn't) and he was controlling.

Needless to say I felt like we should just be friends. And we did, however during a romantic encounter on his birthday I became pregnant. I couldn't believe it, because I was not ready at that time in my life to have another child. So the pregnancy was difficult in the first few months. I had decided that I'd be moving back to Florida to be closer to my family and Steve was not happy about that decision. Anyway, I decided that moving was in the best interest of myself and the girls and I told myself I would do the best I could for my son whether Steve came with me or not. I had a lot of family and friends supporting me throughout my pregnancy, but Steve and I were growing apart. I so wanted him to come with me to Florida, to be with me, to meet my girls that I was holding on to the relationship even though it was not a very healthy one.

In March of 09 I flew my mother up from FL to drive back down from DC with me. On the day that we were to leave I felt like something was wrong with my son and I called my doctor. She advised me to get checked out before we went on the road. An ultrasound revealed that I lost my baby boy (We named him Samuel Isaiah) I was 7 months along. We were totally devastated, I felt like I would never stop crying because it seemed so unreal! I had felt him moving just the day before and now he was gone. I thank God my mother was with me at the time and so much of my family and friends came to be by my side. Read story


On April 1st of this year, I delivered my son. He was absolutely perfect and an autopsy revealed no cause of death or congenital defects. So I knew that his little Spirit was only meant to be in our lives for 7 months. My relationship with Steve opened my eyes spiritually, and mentally but mostly spiritually. I didn't understand what was going on in the midst of losing my baby but I decided to heal myself through the use of crystals, fasting, prayer, meditation, yoga and talking about what happened. Every day is an ongoing healing process.

I feel a lot stronger and I believe I understand why I had to go through what I went through. I hadn't been intimate with Steve or anyone since January of 09 but when Ivan was here to visit, I decided that I was ready to be intimate again, a very spiritual, and loving experience it was. When I had first met him I told him I was expecting and that I was in a relationship and when I lost my baby he was so encouraging and supportive when I was grieving. We had remained friends talking once in a while, and through emails, but nothing more than friends. But since I moved to FL, I decided I wanted to get to know him better, and I 'm so attracted to his energy, Spirit and everything. I feel so free with him and I'm thankful that I got to know him because it has been so worth it.


Love,
Mama Mystic Lover

The Birth of My Unborn Child

I had him at the Washington Hospital Center in D.C. I'm not really a fan of hospitals but the care I received there was so exceptional. The doctors and nurses were by my side day and night, they consoled me, rubbed my legs, looked me in the eyes when they were talking with me. It was amazing! I had 2 Sistahs who were also mothers, and that truly helped a lot.

I would say that delivering Samuel was difficult but empowering at the same time. It was like the next stage for me in my grieving process, I had learned that he was no longer living, and my doctor told me that if I'd like to wait a few days I could. But I didn't want to wait because I knew I would not feel any more kicks, or he would not be responding to my voice like he normally did. I knew that the best thing for me was to bring his body into the world.


I was given pitocin to go into labor, and I had him vaginally. It was a very emotional experience for me and my family. My mother was present, my cousin/sister Valerie, my son's godmother Elise. It's like I knew I would not hear him cry, and there were no smiles on our faces, I will never ever forget that feeling, it was an empty feeling. When he emerged from my womb, I'll never forget all the tears that fell; how I reached out for him and told him how beautiful and perfect he was. All the little fingers and toes were there, he had a perfect little mouth, his hair had formed in waves over his wet little head; he was so precious. He looked so much like Steve. He was 3 pounds 1 ounce. I held him for a few hours, looked him over and over. Took pictures, prayed, kissed him all over, and wished so hard that God would have reconsidered.

I went through a period of being angry, because I felt like life was so unfair at that moment, especially days later when my milk came down. My breasts were so full and my baby was not here to nurse from them. I had thought about donating my milk to a bank in NC but I wasn't up to it, my emotions were just too raw!


I was given lots of little keepsakes from the hospital, a little blue box with his pictures, a journal, reading material for myself and my girls, little notes from the staff, and other things. I should also let you know that my daughters had been in Florida with their father during my pregnancy, so they knew that I was expecting a baby, but they hadn't really seen me during the later months of my pregnancy. When I lost my son, John (my daughters father) had asked me if I'd like him to fly up with the girls to be with me. I told him thank you so much for offering, but I told him no thank you. I just needed time to let this all sink in and I knew I'd have plenty of time to talk with the girls about what happened. And we did. They drew pictures, we talked, read stories, they would hug me when I'd cry some days because I missed Samuel so much. Their energy really helped to pull me through when I felt so overcome with grief.


I have to say that I believe the Spirit of my son is slowly but surely emerging and that one day, I will be blessed again with a son or two or 3! I had a miscarriage back in 2006. John (my daughters father) and I were pregnant with our 3rd child, and I lost the baby in the first trimester. It was definitely an emotional experience and we grieved a lot. I don't know what the sex was of my baby at that time but I believe it was a boy.

And now recently I just lost Samuel.

These experiences have made me so much stronger as a woman, a mother and a Doula. I don't take life for granted. Writing this letter back to you and reading your blog about your son did bring some tears to my eyes, but that’s okay! Not a day goes by that I don't think about my son.

I read and write in my journal from time to time that I dedicated to Samuel and my memories of him. We were so connected during my pregnancy! My mother and I talked about him, and how much we love him. Sometimes, I can't even believe that I went through such an experience, it seems like a dream, but I did and I'm here going on.


Love,
Mama Mystic Lover