The Journey After Conception

My journey to motherhood was filled with moments of joy as well as strange happenings that left my heart seized and under the gun. A lot of things took place that I had not dreamed of or planned for. Ever look at your life and wonder how you got into the spot you found yourself in? What ever happened to what I hoped for and imagine. Well, this is a perfect case of a force being in the pilot seat other than self. I made the decision to marry a man that I would not otherwise have married at all. I always say, had I looked down at his feet, I would have gracefully backed down. Yes, a man's feet or the shoes he wears tells the story of his life. Oh, he was a charmer, sexy and good and even nice in many ways. It all happened so fast. I met him out that night in a bar like setting and took him home with me. We had great sex and it never ended there. He would come see me day after day, night after night. He bought me furniture to support my efforts to build my home business. He would come by and cook frequently. He would check out my car and fix the little things around that were broken. But not without a price that would be revealed down the line.

The relationship stripped part of my soul and left my heart shattered and confused. I slowly lost contact with my friends both male and female. The last was a co-worker who was appalled by the telephone treatment he'd give her. And it is almost 13 years later and I am still dealing with the karmic dust that has not yet settled but continues to stir up in my eyes leaving me in a daze that has me extending my hands out to find my way through the dark. I am not the same today. Many wonderful changes have happened in my life. I've had a few successes and milestones of achievement. Yet, I still haven't met or found another man to have a long term relationship with. I still continue to deal with him and make attempts to relate to and with him as my son’s father. But the wall keeps tumbling down right after I see the writing on it. I feel like a basket case, like I keep going down this dead end road over and over. It is so difficult when two people who share a child differ in values and principles, it’s like the clash of the titans. Yet he continues to be a part of my son's life but void of quality and consciousness.


We need to move on with our lives. Those words I've sung and chanted for over a decade. My son is now 11 years old. So why do I still find myself in bondage by the chains of the past as Africans living in America still are totally unfree from their past? There was almost an entire year when he was out of touch, no where to be found because I chose it that way and he gladly complied. It was the most peaceful year for my son and I. There were no drama, no clashes, no nasty hissing or refusals and resistances. We were at peace. I pray for those moments again. But he is like a shadow that keeps following me, following us. Why can’t I get over the fact that I walked down a path that was dirty, muddy and not as beautiful as I would have liked it to be? Why don’t I have the strength as many other mothers do to say fuck it, I can make it on my own. I admire Mothers who have that ability to move on and settle down with a more desirable and capable partner! I am not for a mother raising a child without a father and perhaps that has been one of the underlying causes why I've not pushed and implemented that idea of vanishing. So what are these shackles that keeps putting weight on my legs and heart making it a constant struggle to move on? Will someone please tell me. Help me understand.

My role as a mother has been the most challenging and yet the most healing and rewarding experience in this lifetime. It has taken me up the river and down the creek and I still am happy to be a mother. It is the relationship that shows me divine, unconditional love and to that I am grateful. It brings out my best and sometimes, sadly my worst. But the light always outweighs the darkness. Sometimes I wonder is it the relationship with my biological mother – void of the nurturance and support that my inner child needed but did not get - that keeps me yearning for such through the reversal roles? Could it be that my heart still has a hole in it from the original mother child relationship in which I was in the role as child and not mother? Could it be that the abuse I constantly received from my mother has become second nature through my patterns of self-abuse? She would point her fingers at me and swear wishing me a not so happy life when I become a mother; and my mother dearest never spoke a kind word of my biological father. Words are so powerful. They can make you or break you.

I have taken other roads, written about so many other subjects and ideas yet it took me this long to write about my own journey and experience as a mother. I have gotten many signs and messages that points in the direction of children – working with them as a part of my career. Yet I saw and moved on engaging myself in other things.

Today, I am an unsettled mother of a now middle school child and I carry that shame, that guilt that makes me feel that I should have been someplace else today, happily married and settled down with a new family; I still struggle with the guilt that says I’ve been so trapped in the past that I forgot to live in the moment. I used to be a bubbly bright and happy person. Stubbornness has prevailed leaving me out in the cold on many occasions and feeling brittle, helpless and homeless. My child deserves better! But that’s my personal, heart felt story.

On the outside, many say I am a great mother, that the relationship between my son and I are unique and beautiful, that they see so much love between us. They say you are doing such a wonderful job raising your son. Well, then why is it that I can’t get paid for this job? Is raising a child or family truly a job? Or is it a choice and a creative field in which one has the power to carve, create and manifest? Then I am stepping on a higher ground – facing the truth that is so deeply rooted in me, opening and finding my heart once again so that I can go on being the mother that I am proud of. If I've begun this blog then it means there is hope for a brand new day and a sparkling new way of living. I need to wake up to look in the eyes of a son that is still a happy child. I need my child to look back with good memories and not the trauma that he has absorbed from the dramatic moments between this mother and dad.

I choose to remain anonymous because names do not matter here. What matters here is my heart and it needs to be re-opened, to live and love again. I think I forgot how to love. I hope that through this blog I can understand and master the lessons that I seem to have not quite learned completely so that I can rise up and truly live.
You are welcome to take this journey with me. If you are a mother, perhaps you share my world, if you are a father perhaps you understand and feel me. It is always nice to have others along the way. For I have never felt so lonely in my life until I became a mother. The only best company I've had has been my son, but it is healthy that I cultivate other relationships.

Love,
Mama Isis