I should have left him on the street! On the street I tell Ya! You wouldn't believe how many times I said that to myself. But, every single time I would look at her my heart would say, "but if you did leave him on the street she wouldn't be here".
My sweet and precious baby girl came in to this world when I was only 19 years old. 19! I was ready, well at least that's what I thought. I was ready to have a baby. Finally someone to hold me and love me for who I am; no more feeling like I was all alone. Ha! I got a lot of holding alright, so much to where I wanted her to let...go. I wanted my freedom back and it had only been a few weeks since her birth. Oh, the many tears that I cried, the many "mother fuckers" that I said, the many lonely nights I laid in bed with her crying beside me because the "so called joys" of breastfeeding eluded us both, I wanted to give her back. I found out the hard way that I really wasn't ready!
The truth was that I was a scared, hot-headed, fiesty, little girl who wanted and needed her own Mommy but played a major role in helping to destroy that relationship. Now was the time I needed her the most and she was no where to be found even though we were living in the same house. Many nights I laid there wondering if she even heard our cries, if she even cared. How was I going to be "Mother" of a new baby if I didn't have a "Mother" myself? How was I going to show my baby girl love if I didn't know how to love myself? How was I going to raise my baby girl (in my parents house) when I was a baby girl myself? Back then I didn't have the answers to those questions at all, in fact, I don't even remember thinking about those questions prior to her birth, at all. The questions that rolled around in my head were, "Who was she gonna look like?"; "What was I going to dress her in each day of the week?"; "Does this mean that I'm grown now and no body can tell me what to do with myself and her?" As I write this a little giggle just came from my womb. I'm smiling because I can see me back then and writing this makes me want to wrap my arms so tightly around her and love on her til she says stop. If only I can turn back time.
I was 17 when I met him. I met him literally on the street hurled over, throwing up all over the place because he had a hangover from partying the night before. I couldn't see his face really good but from what I could see, he was a little cute. Truth is, I felt sorry for him and the nurturer that I am wanted to help. I wanted to lift him up from the curb and nurse him back to health. Even at 17, I was aware of my nurturing ability and what that meant to those who knew me. I jumped on opportunities to save people from their destruction, but wasn't strong enough to not let their destruction become my own.
In more ways than one, that became the catalyst to many a'hard times for me; and this was one. That day I was hanging out with my "so called friend", who took me to meet him at his Mother's house where he'd been living his entire life. He was an only child and she was single for most of her life. They were inseparable and dependent on each other in many ways, some of those ways effected our relationship deeply. (Now looking back, I can see that there was always going to be me, him and her in every decision we made. My dream of starting a little family slowly dwindled away in every way possible but I didn't want to accept it. I was given insight but acted like I didn't see it.) I'm sure that first day on the curb he didn't want to meet me like that but then again he might have thought there was something Manly attractive about it. Having a hang over meant that you were drinking, and drinking is what the big boys did...I guess?
I was 17 when I met him. I met him literally on the street hurled over, throwing up all over the place because he had a hangover from partying the night before. I couldn't see his face really good but from what I could see, he was a little cute. Truth is, I felt sorry for him and the nurturer that I am wanted to help. I wanted to lift him up from the curb and nurse him back to health. Even at 17, I was aware of my nurturing ability and what that meant to those who knew me. I jumped on opportunities to save people from their destruction, but wasn't strong enough to not let their destruction become my own.In more ways than one, that became the catalyst to many a'hard times for me; and this was one. That day I was hanging out with my "so called friend", who took me to meet him at his Mother's house where he'd been living his entire life. He was an only child and she was single for most of her life. They were inseparable and dependent on each other in many ways, some of those ways effected our relationship deeply. (Now looking back, I can see that there was always going to be me, him and her in every decision we made. My dream of starting a little family slowly dwindled away in every way possible but I didn't want to accept it. I was given insight but acted like I didn't see it.) I'm sure that first day on the curb he didn't want to meet me like that but then again he might have thought there was something Manly attractive about it. Having a hang over meant that you were drinking, and drinking is what the big boys did...I guess?
We talked for a while, about pretty much nothing. This was his "trying to impress me moment" which he wasn't doing a very good job at it. But I let him talk and think he was impressing me all the while saying "I can't wait to get the fuck out of here and away from this mess. I was not even trying to hear it. He was not gonna get in my pants, shit.... in his last right mind!! I was too cute for this joker!" LOL! So why is it that this would be the very joker that got in my pants and planted his seed so well that I ended up pregnant? Whatever game he was talking that I thought was going in one ear and out the next, stayed right in the middle of my head and heart and all I can say is, "He got me!"
"Push, Push, Push"! That's all everyone in the room was yelling at me. PUSH! I wanted to yell back at them so bad and say, "You PUSH Damnit!!" I was sweating, panting, crying, I wanted to go home and forget that this was really happening, that I was really there. That day in January, 1995 (Yes, 14 years ago) was my introduction to the not so pretty side of having a baby. I wanted my money back! This shit was for the birds and I ain't tweety! I was so mad! It hurt like hell and I was, in no way prepared for THAT! All the breathing techniques I learned in Lamas class went out the window. I was blowing alright, you could see it from the steam that was coming out my eyes, ears and head. At one point (me being the stubborn, strong headed girl that I was) I said, "NO, I ain't pushing no more" and I just laid there and blocked everyone out. Now it was their turn to get mad at me but that was the last thing on my mind. I laid there and said, "I'm never doing this again. I'm not having no more babies!!" I even wondered to myself if my Yoni was ever going to look and feel the same. That's when I felt a burning sensation so bad I couldn't even formulate the tears. This was the hardest thing I ever had to do and as I looked up my Mother was staring back at me. All I could think was, "Why didn't you save me from this?" "Why didn't you talk to me more, hold me more, love me more?" I wanted to disappear.
The Doctor said "PUSH"!! And, that brought me back to reality. I wanted it to be over and the only way that could happen was if I pushed and got this baby out of me. This baby, that I'd been carrying for almost 10 months, was (according to everyone of my Mother's Sister's and her) supposed to be a boy! I was all ready for a baby boy, I didn't want no girl. I loved all things boy. I had mainly all boy friends, didn't ever get along well with girls so you now I was thrilled when they used old wives tales (like the fact that I was carrying so low) and predicted I was going to have a boy. Well, that day there was no turning back, we were full speed ahead and all I had with me was that voice in my heart that kept always reminding me, in subtle ways, "I'm here and I will never let you go."So, I pushed all the way through and out came a precious, little, pale, BABY GIRL, weighing 8 lbs 3 oz, she was a big little thing! Can you imagine how pissed I was? I was devasted and closed my eyes and went to sleep.
That night she laid in her crib, sound asleep, next to my bed. I didn't know what had happened. How did we get in the room together? How did she get all wrapped up and snuggly, looking like a little teddy bear? Things just didn't happen the way I had thought. I was in pain and all alone. My Mother never came back to the hospital after that first day of pushing. The next day went by, and then the next and no Mother to come visit me and help me with caring for my new baby. No Mother to help me with the first latching on during breastfeeding, no Mother to help me go to the bathroom and hold my baby when she was crying. I knew she was disappointed but I didn't think she hated me.
There were a lot of things I would learn about my Mother after that day that helped me to understand why we were in the kind of relationship we were in but I've never and will never make excuses for her, just complete and utter allowance of Divine flow. This is what holds back the tears when I think back on times like these. I remember that voice that gave me strength when I didn't even recognize it was strength, that gave me courage when I didn't realize it was courage, that gave me confidence in my sexy when I didn't even know it was paying attention ;-) That voice has taken the place of the Mother I wish I had had and helped me to be the Mother that I am to my baby girl. When I left the hospital I was determined to do better by my baby girl, to be the Mother to her that I never had. I just didn't know how many times after that those words would bite me in the butt and hurt life like hell! It took me many, many, many years to break patterns of behavior that helped to destroy a Mother, Daughter relationship but I did it!! Thank God!!!
My life was instantly changed that day and the whole world as I knew it. It stretched me, diced me, chewed me up and spit me out in more ways than one. Had I not gone through that I wouldn't be who I am today. Had I not gone through that I wouldn't know how to Love me like I do today. I would have never learned that it takes loving me to love my baby girl, it takes loving me to love my entire family, it takes loving me to love my community and nation. I am grateful for the Love that I have for myself that I would create an experience like that, that would help me to become the woman that I am. Through the years I've learned to Love me, cherish me and appreciate what I have to offer to myself and others.
I am a creator of life! I am a joyous Being who sings praises for all experiences that I conjure up. I know my power, it runs deep. I have the courage to walk boldly in my skin and dare myself to love me. This is what I was creating 14 years ago and didn't even know it, that's how bad this chick is. I'm always setting myself up for the flow of abundance in whatever way it will come!
"Push, Push, Push"! That's all everyone in the room was yelling at me. PUSH! I wanted to yell back at them so bad and say, "You PUSH Damnit!!" I was sweating, panting, crying, I wanted to go home and forget that this was really happening, that I was really there. That day in January, 1995 (Yes, 14 years ago) was my introduction to the not so pretty side of having a baby. I wanted my money back! This shit was for the birds and I ain't tweety! I was so mad! It hurt like hell and I was, in no way prepared for THAT! All the breathing techniques I learned in Lamas class went out the window. I was blowing alright, you could see it from the steam that was coming out my eyes, ears and head. At one point (me being the stubborn, strong headed girl that I was) I said, "NO, I ain't pushing no more" and I just laid there and blocked everyone out. Now it was their turn to get mad at me but that was the last thing on my mind. I laid there and said, "I'm never doing this again. I'm not having no more babies!!" I even wondered to myself if my Yoni was ever going to look and feel the same. That's when I felt a burning sensation so bad I couldn't even formulate the tears. This was the hardest thing I ever had to do and as I looked up my Mother was staring back at me. All I could think was, "Why didn't you save me from this?" "Why didn't you talk to me more, hold me more, love me more?" I wanted to disappear.
The Doctor said "PUSH"!! And, that brought me back to reality. I wanted it to be over and the only way that could happen was if I pushed and got this baby out of me. This baby, that I'd been carrying for almost 10 months, was (according to everyone of my Mother's Sister's and her) supposed to be a boy! I was all ready for a baby boy, I didn't want no girl. I loved all things boy. I had mainly all boy friends, didn't ever get along well with girls so you now I was thrilled when they used old wives tales (like the fact that I was carrying so low) and predicted I was going to have a boy. Well, that day there was no turning back, we were full speed ahead and all I had with me was that voice in my heart that kept always reminding me, in subtle ways, "I'm here and I will never let you go."So, I pushed all the way through and out came a precious, little, pale, BABY GIRL, weighing 8 lbs 3 oz, she was a big little thing! Can you imagine how pissed I was? I was devasted and closed my eyes and went to sleep.
That night she laid in her crib, sound asleep, next to my bed. I didn't know what had happened. How did we get in the room together? How did she get all wrapped up and snuggly, looking like a little teddy bear? Things just didn't happen the way I had thought. I was in pain and all alone. My Mother never came back to the hospital after that first day of pushing. The next day went by, and then the next and no Mother to come visit me and help me with caring for my new baby. No Mother to help me with the first latching on during breastfeeding, no Mother to help me go to the bathroom and hold my baby when she was crying. I knew she was disappointed but I didn't think she hated me. There were a lot of things I would learn about my Mother after that day that helped me to understand why we were in the kind of relationship we were in but I've never and will never make excuses for her, just complete and utter allowance of Divine flow. This is what holds back the tears when I think back on times like these. I remember that voice that gave me strength when I didn't even recognize it was strength, that gave me courage when I didn't realize it was courage, that gave me confidence in my sexy when I didn't even know it was paying attention ;-) That voice has taken the place of the Mother I wish I had had and helped me to be the Mother that I am to my baby girl. When I left the hospital I was determined to do better by my baby girl, to be the Mother to her that I never had. I just didn't know how many times after that those words would bite me in the butt and hurt life like hell! It took me many, many, many years to break patterns of behavior that helped to destroy a Mother, Daughter relationship but I did it!! Thank God!!!
My life was instantly changed that day and the whole world as I knew it. It stretched me, diced me, chewed me up and spit me out in more ways than one. Had I not gone through that I wouldn't be who I am today. Had I not gone through that I wouldn't know how to Love me like I do today. I would have never learned that it takes loving me to love my baby girl, it takes loving me to love my entire family, it takes loving me to love my community and nation. I am grateful for the Love that I have for myself that I would create an experience like that, that would help me to become the woman that I am. Through the years I've learned to Love me, cherish me and appreciate what I have to offer to myself and others. I am a creator of life! I am a joyous Being who sings praises for all experiences that I conjure up. I know my power, it runs deep. I have the courage to walk boldly in my skin and dare myself to love me. This is what I was creating 14 years ago and didn't even know it, that's how bad this chick is. I'm always setting myself up for the flow of abundance in whatever way it will come!
I'm looking forward to our journey together here on Mamasita!!
It's nice to meet you.
Love Mama SensuaLi!!
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