The Birth of My Unborn Child

I had him at the Washington Hospital Center in D.C. I'm not really a fan of hospitals but the care I received there was so exceptional. The doctors and nurses were by my side day and night, they consoled me, rubbed my legs, looked me in the eyes when they were talking with me. It was amazing! I had 2 Sistahs who were also mothers, and that truly helped a lot.

I would say that delivering Samuel was difficult but empowering at the same time. It was like the next stage for me in my grieving process, I had learned that he was no longer living, and my doctor told me that if I'd like to wait a few days I could. But I didn't want to wait because I knew I would not feel any more kicks, or he would not be responding to my voice like he normally did. I knew that the best thing for me was to bring his body into the world.


I was given pitocin to go into labor, and I had him vaginally. It was a very emotional experience for me and my family. My mother was present, my cousin/sister Valerie, my son's godmother Elise. It's like I knew I would not hear him cry, and there were no smiles on our faces, I will never ever forget that feeling, it was an empty feeling. When he emerged from my womb, I'll never forget all the tears that fell; how I reached out for him and told him how beautiful and perfect he was. All the little fingers and toes were there, he had a perfect little mouth, his hair had formed in waves over his wet little head; he was so precious. He looked so much like Steve. He was 3 pounds 1 ounce. I held him for a few hours, looked him over and over. Took pictures, prayed, kissed him all over, and wished so hard that God would have reconsidered.

I went through a period of being angry, because I felt like life was so unfair at that moment, especially days later when my milk came down. My breasts were so full and my baby was not here to nurse from them. I had thought about donating my milk to a bank in NC but I wasn't up to it, my emotions were just too raw!


I was given lots of little keepsakes from the hospital, a little blue box with his pictures, a journal, reading material for myself and my girls, little notes from the staff, and other things. I should also let you know that my daughters had been in Florida with their father during my pregnancy, so they knew that I was expecting a baby, but they hadn't really seen me during the later months of my pregnancy. When I lost my son, John (my daughters father) had asked me if I'd like him to fly up with the girls to be with me. I told him thank you so much for offering, but I told him no thank you. I just needed time to let this all sink in and I knew I'd have plenty of time to talk with the girls about what happened. And we did. They drew pictures, we talked, read stories, they would hug me when I'd cry some days because I missed Samuel so much. Their energy really helped to pull me through when I felt so overcome with grief.


I have to say that I believe the Spirit of my son is slowly but surely emerging and that one day, I will be blessed again with a son or two or 3! I had a miscarriage back in 2006. John (my daughters father) and I were pregnant with our 3rd child, and I lost the baby in the first trimester. It was definitely an emotional experience and we grieved a lot. I don't know what the sex was of my baby at that time but I believe it was a boy.

And now recently I just lost Samuel.

These experiences have made me so much stronger as a woman, a mother and a Doula. I don't take life for granted. Writing this letter back to you and reading your blog about your son did bring some tears to my eyes, but that’s okay! Not a day goes by that I don't think about my son.

I read and write in my journal from time to time that I dedicated to Samuel and my memories of him. We were so connected during my pregnancy! My mother and I talked about him, and how much we love him. Sometimes, I can't even believe that I went through such an experience, it seems like a dream, but I did and I'm here going on.


Love,
Mama Mystic Lover